omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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