she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
i've created a new STD.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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