If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
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