Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
