I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
