The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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