Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
