Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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