I could make wine with my vomit
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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