i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
