hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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