Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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