I'm so fucking centered right now
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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