I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
