if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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