I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
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