I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
