fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
