Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
