I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
