I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
