I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
