It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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