I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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