i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
