fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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