Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
