i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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