Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
