I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
