Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize