Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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