I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
