I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
