At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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