Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
love makes seman taste better
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
