You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
