I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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