Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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