He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
