Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
