Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
it's like iHOP with fire
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
