Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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