I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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