Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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