so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
