Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize