That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
