Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
