Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize