If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
