i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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