So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize