I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Terrible idea I love it
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
