I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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