i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize