His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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