my shit smells like andre
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
