I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
