I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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