I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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